why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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