Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
