Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
