Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
