dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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