Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
