just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Randomize
