so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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