Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
