Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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