You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
