i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
