If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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