someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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