Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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