I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
