If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
