Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Randomize
