A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
