my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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