Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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