you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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