The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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