God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
