I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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