And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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