That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
