My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
