I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
