I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize