i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
