Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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