I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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