So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
