im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
