When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
