I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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