Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
