i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
