GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
