Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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