I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
