Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
bring money and cleavage
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
