It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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