I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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