Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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