my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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