that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
