If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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