I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's never too late to be topless.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
is that a dick in a sweater?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
