whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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