Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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