The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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