3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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