Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
