Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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