i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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