so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
