There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
