I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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