My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
