Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You may now shotgun with the bride
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
