I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
