so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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