I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
